10 Lifesaving Items Almost Everybody Should Own (That Won’t Kill Your Wallet)

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When people make a purchase if they like something they see,
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Ya know, living is good. Living is very good. In fact, I like being alive so much that I try whatever I can to keep me that way. Sure, there’s looking both ways before crossing the street and not eating too many donut hamburgers wrapped in bacon filled with microwave popcorn drenched in maple syrup, but there are a few desirables on the market that can make a long life easier to achieve. Some people may find little to no use in some of these depending on their circumstances hence the “almost everybody” in the title. In any event, it certainly won’t kill ya to take a peek at a few things that are designed to do- well- the exact opposite. Three cheers for the continuation of biological functions!

 

Emergency Car Tool (Can Get Very Cranky)

Have you ever been trapped in a car? It’s sort of like being trapped in a house except- you’re in a car. Motor vehicles can supply multiple methods of undesirable restraint in an accident from the windows to the seatbelt, but there’s a tool that allows you to easily combat them and do much more. Introducing the Luxon emergency tool. Say “Hi,” Luxon emergency tool. Um… Okay, it’s kinda shy, but there’s a lot it can do for you: It easily cuts through seatbelts. The hammer component shatters car windows with relative ease. It has a red, glaring light to signal for help. There’s a nice flashlight built in so you can use your phone for something else at the same time. A USB charger is prominent on the side, and it gets powered mechanically through a crank, meaning you can fill its energy anytime, anywhere. (Just use your mouth if you don’t have hands.) Seventhly, it has a magnet because- I dunno- you might drop a paperclip between the seats or something. Hey, it can happen!

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Bite and Scratch Gloves (Does Not Work Against Pokemon Moves)

Okay, just gonna say this now: It is best to avoid handling wild animals at all costs. Please call your local animal control center if a creature needs to be dealt with. However, if contact is unavoidable due to some emergency, such as a creature posing immediate harm to someone, it’s best you have at least some protection in the form of bite and scratch gloves; things like rabies are not preferable to contract. They won’t make you completely immune to animal injury, but they’ll at least provide some much-needed resistance. Plus, this could even make a nice gift for friends that bite their nails. I doubt they’ll be able to do much with these babies on!

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Water Purifying Tablets (Now Even People Can Safely Drink from the Toilet! (I Don’t Recommend It Though. :P))

Is it just me, or does giardia sound like a kingdom in a medieval fantasy RPG? “Brave adventurers, welcome to the Kingdom of Giardia. My third cousin twice removed was kidnapped by the morally-ambiguous duchess of the northwestern Shlomp Swamp in the Pooka-Barooka Desert surrounded by the Polar Ice Caps of Minty Freshness with a Hint of Cinnamon. Please rescue him at once, for he alone knows how to make my favorite jelly, and I can’t perform my royal duties until I’ve had my toast.” Anyway, giardia’s that thing you get when you drink bad water and get major diarrhea. Swallowing untreated liquids can even be fatal; like, your HP goes all the way down to zero. However, if you need to hydrate yourself and have no fresh source available or a means to boil anything, just plop one of these tablets into your bottle, wait four hours, shake it up a little, and you should be spared the squirts amongst other things. Unless you had too many burritos. Good luck with that.

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Fire Extinguisher (Can’t Help with Getting Fired from Work)

Alright, class, let’s review the alphabet’s short sounds. A makes the short “ah” sound as in wood, paper, and plastics. B sounds like “buh” as in liquids and gases. C goes like “cuh” as in electrical. D says “duh” as in metals. We are dealing with fire extinguishers after all. Just like English teachers taught us in elementary school, “When two fires go walking, the extinguisher does the talking.” In any event, if you’re not a big fan of your house burning down, you really ought to consider being prepared. It’s unlikely that an everyday house will need a type D extinguisher or the even more obscure type K (which is like B except on a grander scale such as a restaurant). If you do get one though, it’s best that it deals with A, B, and C fires in one container. With one of those nestled in a convenient location in your home, the level of safety is on fire!

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Dog Repellent (Dog Not Included)

Being mauled by a dog is a total bummer. I’ve never been, but I just have this inkling feeling that it’s most unpleasant. If the assailant is vicious enough, they can even bite and claw the very life right outta ya. But you’re in luck! Just like with mosquitoes, various repellents are at your disposal. Rather than a few sprays on your neck and arms though, this requires a more active approach. Just push the button on the remote, and a hostile canine should revert to a more docile demeanor. Even has a built-in flashlight to get a better look at any potential pursuers. Great for postmen/women, joggers, homo sapiens that still draw breath, etcetera. A lifesaving precaution to sink your teeth into if you don’t like dogs doing so to you.

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Emergency Alarm Keychain (Advertised as Being for Women, Kids, and Elders, so I Guess Young Men Will Just Have to Fend for Themselves)

Shouting for help doesn’t always work out. The shock of a sudden emergency could stifle your voice, you might not yell loudly enough for potential aid to hear you, a kidnapper might block your oral pathway before you have a chance to scream, or you might be playing the quiet game with your siblings while possessing a competitive spirit that just won’t allow you to lose. But hey, who needs a mouth when calling for help when you have fingers? This emergency alarm keychain emits a high-pitched sound to alert those nearby that you could use a helping hand. Makes for a thoughtful gift for family members and fits nicely as a stocking stuffer. Gotta have your kids believing that Santa’s elves are hard at work crafting defense mechanisms against hostile assailants, right? “Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a constant reminder that someone could come after you at any time.”

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Escape Ring (Probably Houdini’s Favorite Jewelry)

Handcuffs and zip ties and ropes, oh my! Heaven forbid this ever happen to you, but sometimes, but people are held against their will by a malicious host. In such an event, you’ll likely be searched for things like a phone, pocket knife, and so forth and then promptly relieved of said items. However, such a villain is unlikely to bother with a plain-looking ring on your finger, provided he or she even notices it at all. But I’m not talking about just any ring. Nah, brah, I’m talking about this sweet escape ring with a concealed saw and shim pick to help break free from numerous forms of bonds. Plus, even if you never need it to escape a life-threatening situation, having a little saw on your person for cutting through this and that is pretty cool too. Just don’t try to use this as an engagement ring. Your name will probably appear in the dictionary under the word cheap.

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Pepper Spray (Mm, Spicy)

No, it’s not a liquid version of those black specks you use to spice up your food. This here’s for eyes, not tongues. Have you ever played a video game where you can inflict the blind debuff? Your foe goes up to attack, but it’s often a swing and a miss. Well, now you can live out your gameplay experiences in real life. Is a mean old crazy guy coming after you? With this, he’ll transform into a mean old crazy guy that’s temporarily blind. Bet he didn’t see that coming! This is a fantastic example of non-lethal self-defense, my favorite type, mind you, and it can help ensure you escape with your wallet, jewelry, life, and even your lipstick. Can’t have somebody making off with your lipstick.

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First Aid Kit (Better Hope You Apply Aid First or This’ll Be Misused)

I wonder: Do they make second aid kits? If someone already got medical attention for a wound, wouldn’t it be wrong to pull out a first aid kit to administer additional assistance? If not, it totally should be. And why stop there? Ah, I can see it now: “Alright, let’s have a look. Your bandage was applied yesterday and then reapplied once, so I need to use a third aid kit this time. One sec. I think I put it under all the 2nd honeymoon brochures.” This particular kit is loaded, too. It contains medicine, tools, antiseptic, tons of bandages, and so much more. Has just about anything you could need for first aid, and it’ll last you a looooong time. In case of a serious accident, this could make all the difference. It can even be mounted on your wall to finally give you an excuse to take down that family picture you never liked. Whether first aid or seventeenth, this is one product that’ll be there to help save the day during those rare instances you can actually remember where you left it.

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House Alarm (I Guess People Will Just Have to Start Sleeping with Their Hearing Aids Turned on)

Some folks have no respect for private property. They’ll see someone’s house and be all like, “My mind may be all whack, but I’m breaking into that shack!” Well, if folks are gonna come bustin’ in, it’s at least better to know about it than not. For that, there’s a pretty cheap but quite effective means of transferring the knowledge of uninvited guests into your brain: a wireless, easy-to-install alarm. It’s activated by motion, so you just put it on a door or window and turn it on for the night. If someone comes a callin’ that ain’t on the list, an unpleasant noise will fill the air that will make the party crasher feel so unwelcome that he or she is likely to turn tail and run on the spot. If you always offer tea or coffee to visitors, I’m afraid that this device is likely to cause some missed opportunities.

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So yeah, these are a few thingies that’ll make your continued existence a bit more likely. Sure, the house alarm won’t do much good if you don’t have a home, and water purifying pills won’t exactly be necessary if you never explore the great outdoors for lengthy periods (video games don’t count). Each of these items has a time and place though that can get you out of a real jam, even if it’s blackberry; get some toasted, homemade white bread and butter with it, and it’s just- MM! Well, as the Vulcans say, “Live long and prosper, even if it means doing some extra shopping.” Or something like that.

15 Dragon Household Appliances and Tools (That Won’t Try to Eat You)

For Amazon Associates, I may get some dough.
I get a small commission if you click a link below.
When people make a purchase if they like something they see,
They won’t lose another cent, but there’ll be a prize for me.
I had to let you know ‘cause a disclaimer is required,
And following the rules to stay is kinda, ya know, desired.

 

On a scale of 1-10, how much do you like dragons? Ha ha! You know, ‘cause dragons have scales all over and stuff? Ah, that was terrible. But you wanna know what isn’t terrible? Dragon household appliances and tools sold by Amazon.com! Just make sure your dragon gets all the necessary shots and the correct diet of 100 sheep a day, especially if it’s purple. Now then, let’s have a look-see as to what this digital hoard has to offer, shall we?

 

Pens That Are Gray

 

If you write with a quill and inkwell, you’re- actually pretty cool now that I think about it… But hey, these dragon-y pens are pretty cool too! There are even a few gargoyles thrown into the mix. The one on the right looks like he could use a good laxative though. With a nice weight to them and smooth writing, these pens were bred in captivity to delight. There is a downside, however, as they don’t have caps. But hey, despite their fearsome appearances, they’re very unlikely to come stalking you in the night. I think.

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Clock That Is Also Gray

What has seven hands, four feet, two tails, doesn’t move, and tells time? If you said a double dragon clock- you obviously cheated by looking at the above picture, so your answer doesn’t count. But this decoration does count, tracking the seconds, minutes, and hours with precision and grace. It doesn’t have an alarm, but it ticks pretty loudly, so it’ll add some decent ambience to a room. If you want a new clock to liven up your living space and turn a few heads, it might just be time to check this one out.

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Pocket Knife That Is Gr- Wait, It’s NOT Gray!?

Do you need a new pocket knife right now? Mm, probably not. But just- just look at that dragonish beauty! It’s all colorful and awesome and sharp and awesome and compact and awesome. And awesome. The blade locks securely into place, and it fits nicely in the palm of your hand even if you live in a state where palms don’t grow. Plus, this lil dragon’s looking kinda blue right now, and I’m sure some company would cheer it right up. So even though you may not need a pocket knife right now, even though it’ll probably spend a chunk of its lifetime sitting in a kitchen drawer next to paperclips, dried pens, rubber bands, old letters, mouse dropping, a couple of pennies, and a dime so discolored you think it’s a penny, come on now, it’s still pretty appealing anyway, ain’t it?

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Storage Compartment That Is Back to Gray

I like privacy sometimes. It’s so- private. Sometimes, I just don’t want people finding my stashes of 100% appropriate things. And for that, I turn to this hidden, dragon-y, book-y, compartment thingie. It may look like a mere decoration, but it’s not! On the inside, it contains- get ready for this- nothing! Isn’t that just wonderful? In the center of this handy item is pure space that you can use to conceal anything in plain sight. If you want a void of emptiness encased in a shell of style, you might want to look no farther than this.

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Lamp That Is- Have We Really not Had Enough Gray yet?

You like light? Well, here’s a bright idea for ya: a dragon lamp. It’s like a regular lamp except the whole, you know, dragon thing. It’s beautifully detailed and includes the bulb. Delightful. Grab a shield, and be on your guard, though! An item like this sometimes arrives with a piece broken off, so if it’s a gift for a special occasion, it’s advised to buy it early so it can be exchanged in time if need be. Plus, it doesn’t come with a bulb, so you’d have to snag one of those for this. Just wanted you to have an illuminated experience.

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Pen Holder That Is- Why Even Bother Now

There’s an awesome way to hold your pens: getting a pen holder! And if you’re gonna get one, why not have it look like a dragon? I mean, just look at that carving quality. It’s like the little guy is diligently guarding your writing utensils. He’s all like, “Yeah, some adventurers stole all the gold in the hoard, so now I’ve been demoted to guarding ink containers. I don’t even have dental insurance anymore.” And as earthshattering as this may seem, believe it or not, cross my heart, this could even be used- as a paperweight. WOW!

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Bookmark That Has Something Other Than Gray! Hooray!

Closing a partially-read book + not damaging pages = good. Keeping your place + bending the corner of a page = bad. And I checked my math on a scientific calculator, so those are definitely correct. There is hope to avoid the latter, though: Buy this epic, metal, dragon bookmark to keep your place in grand adventures. Then you could finally wave good-bye to your paper-creasing days. Or just text a waving emoji if you’re one of those people. Either way, if you’re an avid reader, this here’s a great way to quickly find where you left off and keep your books’ hit points maxed out in the process.

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Bookends with Another Color Too! Woohoo!

Gravity kinda sucks sometimes. It’s all like, “Oh, you want that book to stand upright? Well how ‘bout no!” Well, there’s a secret, super-powerful weapon that can defeat gravity without breaking a sweat. It looks at gravity and says, “I may need my cigarette lit, but you are no match for me!” That’s right. I am talking about none other than- bookends! Glorious, beautiful, affordable, draconic bookends! The craftsmanship of this item pair that keeps a row of books up is muwa! (You know, that sound you make when you press your fingers on your lips in a clump, quickly spread them apart while moving your hand away, and kissing the air.) Buy this bane of gravity designed to look like tough-as-nails dragons, and your books are sure to rise to the occasion. (Or stay risen at least.)

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Mug That Has Lots of not Gray- Safe at Last

The verb “mug” does not instill pleasant imagery. The noun form, however, can be pretty freaking sweet with the right design. Case in point, this gorgeous mug with the look of, you guessed it, a dragon. But not just any dragon. Nah, this sucka’s all steampunk, yo. Yeaaaaah. Made of copper and able to hold 13 ounces of liquid, it’s a beaut that even functions as a great decoration when not in use. You could even use it as a pot for steampunk flowers! Or regular flowers even! It contains metal, though, so be sure to avoid microwaves with it. The end result of that would be the opposite of fortunate; it would be unfortunate. Not to worry, though. If you plan to use this for coffee, just get yourself a drink heating pad and you’re good to go! That is, if you cough buy the cough mug.

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Coasters That Mean I Spoke Too Soon

If your drinking habits have been coasting along without these, then- you’ve probably gotten along just fine. But hey, these coasters not only do regular coaster-y stuff like keeping liquid off your furniture and- whatever the heck else coasters do- but they also perform their duties with that sweet look of the king of lizards, the mighty freakin’ dragon. It even has a dragon coaster holder which, in case you were not aware, not only holds dragon coasters but also regular coasters to boot. Crazy, huh? Even just sitting on a shelf, this setup is enough to make any room at least 20% cooler.

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Salt and Pepper Holder That Is- Yeah

You enjoy holdin’ yourself some salt and pepper shakers? Mm-hm. Didn’t think so. That’s why we have stands to do the work for us. There might be a salt and pepper holder uprising one day, but in the meantime, why not spruce up your kitchen with that special look that only dragons provide? It even comes with shakers that fit perfectly. But yikes, I mean, just look at his face! He does not look happy to be standing around all day holding up your shakers. Still, you’d be giving him a nice home, so it’s the least he can do.

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Toilet Paper Holder That at Least Has Red Eyes

You know what’s like, almost always incredibly boring? Toilet paper holders. The fine art of removing toilet paper to cleanse one’s lower cheeks is rather dull, and that’s a crime against sewage. But what if I told you that you could wipe yourself with the aid of- a dragon! Are you squeeing hardcore yet? I know I did! Only thing is the installation; it’s- not the most fun thing in the world. Still, picking up one of these laboring beauties means wiping that buttocks in style! Who doesn’t want that?

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Wine Holder That Is, of Course, Without a Doubt, as to Be Expected, Indubitably Gray

Does life frequently make you whine? Is something ailing you? Are you in poor spirits? Does it seem like someone is always fermenting a load trouble? When you try to make strides during bad times, does it seem you only make tiny hops? Do- Okay, okay, I’ll stop. But uh- dragon wine holder, everybody! Ain’t she just lovely? Doncha just love the pose that makes her look like she’s guzzling your precious booze away? She’ll hold your various alcohol bottles and look adorable in the process. Just be sure to check her I.D. to confirm she’s the legal drinking age in your area.

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Ash Tray That- SERIOUSLY, WHAT’S WITH ALL THE GRAAAY!?

Speaking of cigarettes, dragons and smokers are kindred spirits; they both exhale fumes, and passersby tend to keep away from them. And what better way to symbolize the bond these two groups share than with an ashtray in the form of a majestic dragon? Your cigarettes’ charred remains will go from wasted trash clump to pile of bedding for this resting critter. Don’t scatter your ashes to the wind! Let them comfort a carnivorous monstrosity instead.

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Stapler That Caused My Color-Based Meltdown

You wanna know a great staple of desk appliances? A stapler! And when it comes to piercing the flattened remains of trees, try this one shaped like a dragon’s head. It makes you feel like you’re binding papers together with dragon teeth. It might not hold too many staples at once or say, “Nom nom nom,” when you push it down, but by golly, who doesn’t want to look like a dragon tamer when documents need to be bound? Just try not to drop it on your foot. For a brief moment at least, you wouldn’t even look like a sheep tamer.

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All I wanna see now is a dragon porta potty, and I’d pay top gold for one of those. It probably wouldn’t appreciate its meals all that much, though. Welp, I hope this list had something you could sink your teeth into, and that’s all for now. Wouldn’t want this article to start- dragon on. Thanks for reading, and God bless.