10 Disney Weapons (That Won’t Turn You into a Singing Princess)

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Bang. Whoosh. Kerplunk. (That last one was a slingshot firing a stone into a pond. Get that toilet imagery out of your head.) The Disney franchise is just loaded with awesome weapons, amiright!? Clayton’s shotgun. King Triton’s trident. Jafar’s snake staff. Arthur’s sword in the stone. There needs to be a pen and paper RPG of the Disney universe up in the house pronto, yo. Still, if you wanna decorate your house, start a collection, or gift your relatives with some of the weaponry wielded by iconic Disney characters, you’re in luck! Just don’t break the beast’s magic mirror and get subjected to seven years of enchanted bad luck. You’d probably get transformed into his toothbrush. Blegh.

 

Princess Elena of Avalor: Scepter of Light (Deals 3 bludgeoning damage and grants OP light spells.)

Ah, the scepter of light, opposition to the scepter of night. Sure, it would make more sense for the former to be “day” or the latter to be “darkness,” but everyone just loves those counterpart weapons that rhyme while still sorta being opposites. The SoL has some pretty cool powers from rapid plant growth to seeing people across any distance, so who needs farming books and Skype if you plan on picking up this little beauty. The only real downside is that, the more the scepter is used, the more drained the user gets. But hey, if you’ve survived using the internet for years on end, I think you’ll be just fine.

View Scepter of Light on Amazon

 

Demigod Maui: Fish Hook (Deals 5 bludgeoning damage and self-casts polymorph. Prone to function as twin spell if confidence is depleted.)

Good old Maui. The guy whose name sounds like what comes out of a kid’s mouth if he or she see a fresh batch of cookies on the stove but doesn’t realize the pan is still hot before reaching for one. “Mm. Owie!” But onto his weapon: Who needs Ditto from Pokémon or Mystique from X-Men or Chrysalis from My Little Pony when you can get yourself a magical fish hook from the gods that lets you transform into practically anything? Someone could start an animal poop removal service and then just keep transforming into a dog. Now that’s a lucrative supply and demand scheme! What can I say except, “You’re welcome”?

View Fish Hook on Amazon

 

Moana of Motunui: Oar (Deals 2 bludgeoning damage and always inflicts critical hits against oceans.)

It’s kind of ironic, really. Moana is friends with the ocean but wields an oar. Ya know, the wooden apparatus that’s specifically designed to repeatedly slap the water around you? But hey, if the ocean is into that kind of thing, who I am to judge. Now, you might be wondering what makes this oar unique, what makes it stand out from all the other oars out there. Well, I’ll tell you: This oar is wielded by Moana, the woman who orders a guy to board her boat, sail across the ocean, and deliver someone’s heart. Uh, gross. In all fairness, though, if my heart ended up missing one day, I’d kinda want it back too. But yeah, all that makes this special is the one who wielded it, and be glad she isn’t here right now. If she was, she’d probably say, “You will board Amazon, sail across the listings, and restore the oar of Moana to its proper place- your shopping cart.” Kids these days. No respect.

View Oar on Amazon

 

Mulan/Ping: Sword (Deals 5 slashing damage and increases female identity stealth by 50%.)

♪ Let’s get down to business: Got a sword to show.
Might there be some takers for a price so low?
It’s official and has lights and sounds.
And on these grounds, it’s pretty cool.
Reader, just don’t bring it into school! ♪

View Sword on Amazon

 

Princess Merida of DunBroch: Bow and Arrows (Deals 2 piercing damage and taunts all nearby male targets.)

I got ta thinkin’, tha’ I did, to beh makin’ this paragroph’s entoire gimmick jussa sorry e’scuse fer a Sco’ish accent, but- NAAAAAAAH! Would just be unprofessional, inaccurate, annoying, and possibly even offensive. I probably even combined multiple accents there, too. And no, I’m not stalling for space because there’s not much to say about a kid’s archery set of a bow and two arrows! Rude. Good news for parents by the way: This bow isn’t designed to really fire the arrows, arrows that aren’t sharp to boot, so it’s a pretty safe alternative for those wee young’uns a yers. I mean- your children. If you have a Merida from Brave fan in the house, this product will hit the bullseye.

View Bow and Arrows on Amazon

 

Queen Elsa of Arendelle: Ice Scepter (Deals 3 cold damage and has to be summoned from the Plane of Nonexistence.)

Time to take a look at Queen Elsa’s iconic ice scepter from- Wait. What ice scepter? I don’t remember Elsa having an ice scepter in Frozen. She was handed a regular royal scepter at her coronation, and it did start to freeze over a little when she touched it, but there was never any full-on scepter of ice in that movie. /Gasp I think somebody made this product up just to make a profit! The fiend! Who in the world would be so evil as to try to profit from a replica of an item that doesn’t even exist?

View Ice Scepter on Amazon

 

Maleficent, Mistress of All Evil: Staff (Deals 4 bludgeoning damage and emits an Anti-Scarecrow Aura.)

I wonder if Maleficent ever holds a staff meeting with Jafar. Either way, her staff has a pretty spot-on replica for sale, having vines and a colorful orb. Now all you need is a pet crow to nest on it, and your cosplay is complete. Measuring 56 inches, it’s taller than a lot of kids even. Thankfully, it can be broken down into two pieces to more easily store away. Magnificent, Maleficent.

View Staff on Amazon

 

Princess Sofia the First: Amulet of Avalor (Cursed item: Augments biological lifeforms but may ribbit I mean self-inflict random debuffs.)

This powerful Disney item capable of being used as a weapon may be a necklace, but it’s also a double-edged sword. Like an accessory in an RPG, the amulet grants powers to the wielder such as buffing strength or providing an active ability such as firing icy blasts. Unfortunately, if the bearer is bratty, he or she not only ends up on Santa’s naughty list but is also cursed. So yeeeeeah. If you still want presents at Christmas and wish to avoid inconveniences such as having a bird beak, becoming tiny, or croaking like a frog, you better be all nice and stuff while wielding this. But hey, even if you do mess up, at least it’ll always be a fabulous way to accessorize with a ballroom gown.

View Amulet of Avalor on Amazon

 

Captain Hook: Hook Hand (Deals 2 piercing damage. Prerequisite to equip: Must let small, flying boy in green tights cut off your hand and feed it to a crocodile.)

If someone asks you to give them a hand, you can now oblige more easily. A replica of Captain Hook’s hook is up for grabs here, and the best part of all is that you don’t even need to be missing your hand to use it. How handy! You could even dual wield these beauties and become Captain Hooks. There would be an extra s in your title because the whole hook thing would be all plural and stuff. And just think of all the things you could do with hook hands! You could go fishing without a pole, become a meat and coat hanger, and- um- like, so many other things that I can’t even begin to list them here. You certainly know how to accessorize, Hooky. Gotta hand it to you for that.

View Hook Hand on Amazon

 

Princess Star Butterfly: Royal Magic Wand (Deals 1 bludgeoning damage and bestows the god-level power of creation. Resting on the seventh day is not required.)

If you’ve ever sought the power to conjure anything whether it be slightly-burnt toast with reduced-fat butter or a unicorn that’s kinda decent at Fortnite, look no further. This wand may have worse battery life than my cellphone, but it at least allows the user to create objects and alter reality at will. Huh. Neat. And I mean, come on, a purple wand with a star, wings, and butterfly on it are sure to strike fear into the hearts of your enemies. Even more so when they learn it was wielded by an individual named Star Butterfly. Terrifying. Unfortunately, if you’re experiencing negative emotions, the wand’s spells won’t function correctly. This makes it unusable to nearly every human being on the planet at almost every passing moment. Good luck!

View Royal Magic Wand on Amazon

 

There you have it. A dozen minus two of the many weapons you can find throughout the enchanted world of Walt Disney. Melee and ranged, magic and metal, hooks and dinnerware- there was some mighty fine creativity at work to bring so many beloved stories to epic life. And I’m just so glad that the products from these tales don’t do anything like, I dunno, promote violence to kids or anything. I can’t even walk down the street without seeing children using their toy swords to advocate for pacifism and intermediary diplomacy. Not me though! I have the initiative. I pull out my Darkwing Duck gas gun and aim at Cruella Deville to put her to sleep. Rolling the dice aaaaand- it’s a one. Great, so now what’s gonna hap- Zzzzz…

(Thanks for reading, and God bless.)

Author: The Bad Wordplayer

Yo. I enjoy writing and will do my best to entertain as I share video games and other cool merchandise I come across.

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