Disney’s Snow White Video Game Review #6- A Collect-A-Thon Platformer That’ll Put You to Sleep Faster Than a Poisoned Apple

There once was a teen oh so pretty,
But her looks came to be such a pity.
The queen was quite vain
With a death on her brain
So the girl hung with guys itty-bitty.

Magic mirror on the wall, who thought it would be good idea to make a Snow White video game over 60 years after the Disney movie came out let alone at all? There is a narcissistic queen. She wants to kill a girl that’s prettier than her. The princess hides out in a cottage with seven not-so-tall men. The queen finds her anyway and poisons her, but a prince saves her. The protagonist does nothing but hide, housekeep, sleep, and be carried off. What a riveting road map for an adventure! Well, on the plus side, at least Snow White’s parents’ last name wasn’t Yellow.

Speaking of colors, isn’t it odd that one of the only types of game cartridges that are clear, as in, having no color, are Game Boy Color games? WonderSwan Color games are the same way, oddly. The world gets some consoles with “color” in the title, and with them, we start getting cartridges totally devoid of color. But hey, for bloggers, it’s always better when life doesn’t make sense.

Another great thing about the tale of Snow White is the comfort it must give girls who get mocked for their appearance. After all, the only reason Snow White was targeted for death was for being too pretty. At least unattractive females know their lives are safe from jealous bimbos.

The game starts by mocking Dopey because making fun of seemingly-mentally-challenged people is fun; he’s the icon for easy mode. Players are then greeted by an image of Snow White wearing a face mask and crying. Guess she’s emotionally fed up with Covid-19.

Next, we’re graced by the image of the great stalker prince with a gaze upon his noble brow most derpy. In the movie, he starts singing, and Snow White runs away in fear, and with a face like that, I would too.

Level one is based on the queen’s order to her huntsman to take Snow White out to pick wildflowers and then claim her heart. As you collect the plants, you can even see the guy leaning nearby, a nice visual detail. However, the queen asked him to take her to a secluded glade in the forest, yet the game area takes place at the castle itself. There are wooded areas later in the game, so the work to make such locales was already done, so I cannot comprehend this change.

Between the levels are minigames. Geez, I’ve sure looked at a lot of these types of titles lately, haven’t I? At least they all proceed a bit differently. Mickey’s Ultimate Challenge has nothing but minigames and three difficulties to choose from. JumpStart Dino Adventure Field Trip also had nothing except them but made you play through all three difficulties to see the ending, and Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs has two difficulties with minigames sprinkled between platforming levels. Well, as long as this one has no sliding puzzles, we’re cool.

After collecting all the flowers, you have to- COMPLETE A SLIDE PUZZLE!? Okay, this game should get an automatic negative 3.14 because it has one of the worst things ever, and I like pie. We then get a cutscene with the queen starting off her question with “Mirror, mirror” instead of “Magic mirror,” because whoever wrote this clearly just saw the movie once or twice many years ago and tried reciting it from memory. But hey, I hate research too, so we’re kindred spirits.

 

After the huntsman can’t bring himself to kill Snow White and has her flee, we get level two of- collecting butterflies. I mean, yeah, when the animals first show her the seven dwarfs’ house, there’s an extremely brief moment of a couple butterflies scuttering by, but this is really grasping at straws to formulate the basis of a stage. At least the next section is a bit more actiony where she flees through the dark woods avoiding bats.

After that, Snow White goes around the cottage collecting rabbits. Oh hey, now we know what she made that soup with. This is followed by catching the plates the animals wash before they break. And then it’s time for music note collecting because- she likes singing, I guess. She should have grabbed the notes in that castle area at the start since she sang a song there, and that butterfly fetch quest in the woods thereafter should have been for the flowers she gathered in the movie. Then we get a round of Simon Says using the dwarfs with their instruments. In my opinion, the harder difficulty makes this segment go on way too long, especially for kids. My brain was strained trying to repeat a whopping dozen ever-lengthening segments.

The next part just screws things up big time: In the motion picture, Snow White makes a gooseberry pie for her hosts. The evil queen disguises herself as an old hag and tempts Snow White to eat a poisoned apple after saying that an apple pie would be the preferable dish. However, in the game, she collects apples. Okay, well, that messes up the story because she no longer has any reason to accept an apple, but later in the game, we see round, green fruit in a minigame that could pretty much pass as gooseberries, so why wasn’t that used for this objective so the story could unfold in the logical way it was intended to?

Granted, the disguised queen adds further incentive to take the fruit by saying it’s a wishing apple, but in the game’s universe, the events could not have unfolded like they did in the film. Speaking of how things played out, now that I think about it, Snow White probably believed that wishing apple was real her entire life. I mean, her wish was to have her prince, she ate the apple, and the next she knew, her prince was there. Her wish really did come true in her mind as soon as she took that bite.

Welp, now you play as a deer going to get help from the dwarfs. This part, thankfully, really feels more like a game with obstacles, falling debris, and bottomless pits as you auto scroll to the right. You even have to adjust your speed to avoid getting hit and make the jumps. The lightning flashes look nice, but being followed by claps of thunder would have been the icing on the gooseberry cake.

The game cuts to Grumpy as you continue his workload of the day by collecting gems while navigating the mine. Then we come to one of the oddest additions to the game albeit a welcome one for the fun. You know those two vultures that looked happy as the queen made her way to the cottage? They’re a boss battle now. And they’re fought by Dopey who shoots them with beams of light created by reflecting the rays of the sun with a diamond. But the strangeness doesn’t stop there. The birds don’t actually attack you. In fact, they’re just minding their own business and flying around. He ends up just looking like he felt like being cruel to innocent animals.

Yeah, regardless of difficulty level, they don’t swoop down to attack with their claws or drop poop or anything. Even the manual describes this part as Dopey “defending” himself despite them just moving along like any other birds.

Furthermore, Dopey was actually the one dwarf that fired stuff off in the movie, but what he shot was bubbles. If they’re gonna add some random battle sequence with him, it all would have had at least connected to the film somewhat if he was blasting those things out of his mouth instead. Sure, bubbles don’t really hurt anything, but reflected light doesn’t exactly cause damage either. Unless it’s a throw pillow you left near an open window for a month.

Once the scavengers are defeated, you play as Grumpy again because it’s not like there’s seven different dwarfs or anything; the game clearly had no choice but to make you use the same one twice. And he collects- hearts? What is that supposed to symbolize? How he got bashful before he left for the mine after Snow White kissed him? Plus, since the huntsman brought back the heart of a pig to try fooling the queen into thinking he really killed her, acquiring hearts in this game has some very disturbing implications. I mean, they’re friggin’ BEATING! And while hearts can also be symbolic of love, shouldn’t you technically be controlling the prince for that?

Afterwards, it’s Concentration because every single minigame title I play seems to have that as a requirement. Anyway, the prince awakens Snow White with a kiss, and they live happily ever after. Geez, just imagine his abilities as a role-playing game character:

Frightening Song- Scare away one target but grants no experience points or items.

Beguile- Inflicts Charm on target to make them fight for you for three turns.

True Love’s Kiss- Cures Sleep and Poison.

Happy Ever After- Inflicts Happiness on target for remainder of battle which boosts resistance to mental attacks by 25%.

The game’s final challenge is a dumbed down version of Tetris. You see a “The end” on the back of the storybook because, as we all know, the final words of a tome are on the cover and not one of the pages.

The credits play against a background that’s yellow, symbolizing my relief that Snow White’s last name was not. Well, with the story said and done, let’s move on.

The game controls fine, but it’s not like there’s much to do or need of good reflexes. Snow White stops briefly after she lands which messes with the smooth feeling of momentum, but I doubt anyone would fail something here due to how things handle. Entering passages is a breeze too. You don’t need to press a thing; you just stop moving outside a door, and boom, you go in. This simplifies the game, but since it’s already so basic, I think I’d prefer a bit more interaction as the player, especially since this can lead to entering someplace by accident if, say, you have to sneeze right at an entryway.

I’m normally not a fan of the occasional leaps of faith one must take to find some items, but there’s no falling damage or time limit, and this game is way too easy, so I weirdly welcome them here. A bit unhappy though with how picky the game is regarding where you need to stand to collect things; I shouldn’t have to fidget around when I’m literally right on top of something. But I do like how if the pause button is pressed, Sleepy shows up in an unconscious state, a very creative and fitting choice.

The scenery throughout the games gets pretty repetitive, but what we do get looks nice enough. The castle is nice looking, and the scary trees are pretty creepy. Sometimes, animated animals were placed in the background just for more atmosphere, and it’s an appreciated touch. All NPC’s look fantastic too though I’m not sure why the huntsman is dressed like he’s cosplaying a red mage from the Final Fantasy series.

Nor do I get why Snow White isn’t actually looking at the apple she’s holding on the cover. Come on, Miss White. Just lower your gaze a wee bit there.

Grumpy’s dainty jumping animation and Bashful’s stoned expression while accordion playing are just beautiful though.

The music is decent. It works; it fits okay. Things sound pretty chill during relaxed moments and a bit tense during stressful scenes. There’s just nothing memorable about any of it. It’s hard to remember the tunes even right after hearing them. The sound effects are alright too. Fine choice for jumping and picking up items. When it comes to the auditory department of this game, my overall mentality is that I basically just don’t have anything bad to say about it. The noise from whenever you enter a door seems a little dramatic/elongated, but it’s still whatevs.

A compliment I can give it over JumpStart Dino Adventure Field Trip from last time is that it actually has music during the credits, so kudos. However, the same track is played at the beginning of the game though too, so they couldn’t even make something new to grace our ears upon completion.

The story is what you already know about Disney’s Snow White, and they show a good number of scenes. However, there aren’t nearly enough words to accompany the visuals, so it’s all paraphrased to oblivion here. It’s like reading the outline to a fairytale. Plus, it’s not like Snow White is high art in the realm of storytelling in the first place, but it at least has the benefit of being a beloved classic.

This title’s existence is a strange thing since it doesn’t really scream, “Video game,” at all. A Disney film such as The Sword in the Stone seems like a much more logical choice, but this is what we got. If you’re a fan of Snow White and are curious to see how it translates to game form, you might get a little amused with how this goes about it, and it’s a romp that young children can certainly easily grasp. If you’ve got a four- or five-year-old just starting gaming, hey, this works as a nice, cheap entry point. But if the evil queen had sent her huntsman out to bring her the circuit board of this cartridge, I kinda doubt he would have hesitated for that.

Well, I gotta going. My pen and paper RPG group is about to take on Yzma and Kronk, and they need the prince’s kisses to dispel her poison effects. Thanks for reading, and God bless.

 

Score:
Fun/Replayability- 3/10
Controls- 8.5/10
Graphics and Sound- 5/10
Story- 4/10
Difficulty Balance- 2.5/10
Verdict- 46%

Pretty foxtastic

 

 

 

Next time on The Bad Wordplayer:

A crossdressing woman with a nickname synonymous to latency kills men that killed men so that men won’t be killed.

24 Kitchenware Items for Cat Lovers/Furries (That Won’t Try to Scratch You) Part 2

For Amazon Associates, I may get some dough.
I get a small commission if you click a link below.
When people make a purchase if they like something they see,
They won’t lose another cent, but there’ll be a prize for me.
I had to let you know ‘cause a disclaimer is required,
And following the rules to stay is kinda, ya know, desired.

 


Gimme that! Geez. Guitar necks are not cat toys. Scram before I line your collar with cat nip so you can’t sleep tonight. Oh, sorry about that, folks! Just a little backstage difficulty that needed addressing, heh. Anyway, speaking of “dress,” there’s even more feline-ish products you can adorn your kitchen with!  

 

Oven Mitts (Afraid of Getting Burned? Paw-lease!)

I think we can all agree that our skin is better when it’s not burned. Therefore, when removing items from the oven, it is preferable to use heat protection. For that, we have these adorable cat-themed oven mitts that look like paws. With hanging loops for easy storage and cotton material able to withstand temperatures up to 480 degrees Fahrenheit, these gloves are quite fur-midable.

View Oven Mitts on Amazon  

 

Drink Markers (Your Memory Will Catch the Tail End of it)

Um, what the heck is a drink marker? Seriously, what- is- a drink marker? Sounds like something kids would use to write notes on their cup. Huh? Say again? They’re- unique drinking glass decorations to prevent people from mixing up whose is whose? Well that’s- clever and useful. I wonder why I never heard of them before… Oh, right, heh, the audience. Um, these ones are shaped like cats and come in six different colors, so they are a good choice for those with many feline-loving friends. No more mixin’ up those drinkeroos when you have company. Uh, meow and- stuff. SERIOUSLY, WHY HAVE I NEVER HEARD OF THE-

View Drink Markers on Amazon  

 

Timer (No Need to Pray You’ll Hear Your Timer with this Timer Prey)

As someone advertising a timer of all things, please do me the favor of forgetting the fact that nearly everything has a timer built in to lots of their stuff nowadays. Thanks.

All around the timer top
The cat doth chase the gray mouse.
A cook will find this really cute.
Ding! through the house.

A treat for cat lovers that bake treats, this 60-minute, loud buzzer will rile chefs from even the deepest of catnaps.

View Timer on Amazon  

 

Refrigerator Magnet Holders (Hindquarters that Won’t Leave a Smear)

I have had so many nightmares where I looked around and suddenly didn’t have any refrigerator magnet holders. The thought is- beyond terrifying, anyone’s worst fear. Can’t you just imagine them being advertised Kellogg’s-corn-pops style?

“I’m sorry, Jenny. I don’t see the refrigerator magnet holders anywhere.”

What? How is this possible!? My day is ruined! That’s okay, dad. I’ll put my keys somewhere else.”

“How about the table?”

The table? Are you mad? It’s harder to pick them up off a flat surface and could scratch the wood. Oh, my six refrigerator magnet holders varying in size and color, conveniently storing my daily stuff for easy finding and grabbing- someone is hiss-tory if I don’t get them back NOW!

“Oh, here they are. Your mom must have taken them off and put them in a drawer when she cleaned the frig.”

“Huisi’s set of six refrigerator magnet holders shaped like cat butts are part of a well-organized household.”

I gotta have my refrigerator magnet holders.

View Refrigerator Magnet Holders on Amazon  

 

Door Hook (Introducing Roadkill the Butler Cat)

While not quite as epic as Captain Hook, the wonderful door hook has its place in life too. Adding space into your house by letting any door become an extra storage area, this is especially useful to cluttered domiciles. It’s a metal pair with two usable paws each making for a total of four aerial holders. And hey, even if you have nothing to put on these, they make for great décor for demented people, as, when in place, they kinda look like cats with their abdomens completely crushed. How un-fur-tunate for everyone else.

View Door Hook on Amazon  

 

Shelf Hook (A Cat’s Balance at Play to Work)

There is a HUGE difference between door hooks and shelf hooks. I have a bachelor’s degree, so I already know it. No need for the uneducated to worry, though. I shall share my knowledge to any and all who seek it: One type is used on doors, and the other is meant for shelves. No thanks needed; I’m just happy to be of service. And speaking shelf hangers, I’ve got one here to share. Looking like a black cat, this hanger can hold things from coats to flower pots, and it requires no installation. Using gravity, it stays in place thanks to the weight of whatever you put on it. Now ain’t that the cat’s pajamas?

View Shelf Hook on Amazon  

 

Tea Infuser (A Feline that Doesn’t Hate Water)

I just love that word, ya know? Infuser. Sounds so epic and science fiction-y. “Increase force fields to maximum capacity! He’s going to initiate the sequence to resonate with the thermal core of the infuser!” Though admittedly, adding the word “tea” does take a little bit of the dramatic edge off. At least this one looks like a sweet little kitty rearing up on the edge of your glass. And you can help the environment by forgoing tea bags which subsequently means less clean up after your drink is ready. Just pop some loose leaves in, rinse afterwards, and you have yourself a mighty fine evening with mew-nimum effort.

View Tea Infuser on Amazon  

 

Rug (A Fuzzy Place to Stretch Your Paws)

Huh. For some reason, the designer thought that an image of a cat missing its eyes was the way to go. Oh well. Maybe someone out there has a soft spot for blind felines or maybe even knew or owned one. Either way, this rug is far from a catastrophe with these awesome features:

  1. Designed to not skid, so you can jump onto it and not have to worry about slidding into next week.
  2. Is washer safe, so you can toss the thing into the machine and say good-bye to any buildup of dirt.
  3. Made of a material that is extra absorbent, so wet feet and paws will have an easier time transitioning to dryness on this baby.

If you’re looking for a new mat, this one might be right up your back alley.

View Rug on Amazon  

 

Cookie Cutters (An Uneven Game of Cat and Mouse)

“Cookie sheet.”

“Cookie sheet.”

“Cookie dough.”

“Cookie dough.”

“Cookie cutters.”

“Cookie cutters.”

“I’m beginning the surgery now. Just about. Almost done. And- perfect. Six bits of dough each shaped like a different cat.”

“Actually, doctor, one is shaped like a mouse.”

“Ah, thank you, nurse. That aside, these cookie cutters did an amazing job. Please hand wash and dry them.”

“Right away. I know not to put these in a dishwasher. And might I say what a great price these tin beauties were with a sharp edge for easy cutting.”

“No kitten!”

View Cookie Cutters on Amazon  

 

Ice Tray (Boring Ice Cubes are Just Clawful)

Awww! With ice in this tray, it looks like 10 kittens are nursing. You could even add food coloring to the water so that the ice cubes match the color of any cat(s) the recipient might have.  Plus, it can be used for other things like a chocolate or soap mold. Your mailbox won’t be sore after giving birth to this fancy litter of cuteness.

View Ice Tray on Amazon  

 

Tongs (An Excellent Cat Name for One that’s Differently-Colored on Two Paws)

Think of tongs as an extension of your hand because- that’s exactly what they are. Facing the dangers of hot foods and icky fluids to protect your sensitive arm attachments, tongs truly deserve our admiration and respect. That’s exactly why someone made them look like pink kitty paws! They serve as soldiers to protect your flesh, and they look mighty darn dignified in the process. At 9.5 inches long and dishwasher safe, this are a fantastic set of paws that doesn’t need a scratching post.

View Tongs on Amazon  

 

Soap Dispenser (Sanitizer Instead of Hairballs from Your Cat’s Head)

One has to wonder why soap dispensers are called soap dispensers. I mean, they can dispense pretty much any liquid. You can put hot sauce in them, and they’d still perform beautifully. You might as well advertise flour as “fish coating material.” Be dat as it may, as spelling “that” in such a way is how the cool cat’s play, this kitty-shaped dispenser will brighten any bathroom any day.

View Soap Dispenser on Amazon  

 

Whether you’re a cat owner, furry, lover of feline-themed products, or sentient litter box that poops sodium bentonite, hopefully there was something in these last two lists that would make you purr. If that was something humans did anyway. Too bad people have yet to make an LED collar that spells threatening remarks when it detects cats’ fur standing up. Welp, I’d like to stick around and say a bit more, but- a cat got my tongue.