Category: Amazon Merchandise

For Amazon Associates, I may get some dough.
I get a small commission if you click a link below.
When people make a purchase if they like something they see,
They won’t lose another cent, but there’ll be a prize for me.
I had to let you know ‘cause a disclaimer is required,
And following the rules to stay is kinda, ya know, desired.

 

Gimme that! Geez. Guitar necks are not cat toys. Scram before I line your collar with cat nip so you can’t sleep tonight. Oh, sorry about that, folks! Just a little backstage difficulty that needed addressing, heh. Anyway, speaking of “dress,” there’s even more feline-ish products you can adorn your kitchen with!  

 

Oven Mitts (Afraid of Getting Burned? Paw-lease!)

I think we can all agree that our skin is better when it’s not burned. Therefore, when removing items from the oven, it is preferable to use heat protection. For that, we have these adorable cat-themed oven mitts that look like paws. With hanging loops for easy storage and cotton material able to withstand temperatures up to 480 degrees Fahrenheit, these gloves are quite fur-midable.

View Oven Mitts on Amazon  

 

Drink Markers (Your Memory Will Catch the Tail End of it)

Um, what the heck is a drink marker? Seriously, what- is- a drink marker? Sounds like something kids would use to write notes on their cup. Huh? Say again? They’re- unique drinking glass decorations to prevent people from mixing up whose is whose? Well that’s- clever and useful. I wonder why I never heard of them before… Oh, right, heh, the audience. Um, these ones are shaped like cats and come in six different colors, so they are a good choice for those with many feline-loving friends. No more mixin’ up those drinkeroos when you have company. Uh, meow and- stuff. SERIOUSLY, WHY HAVE I NEVER HEARD OF THE-

View Drink Markers on Amazon  

 

Timer (No Need to Pray You’ll Hear Your Timer with this Timer Prey)

As someone advertising a timer of all things, please do me the favor of forgetting the fact that nearly everything has a timer built in to lots of their stuff nowadays. Thanks.

♪ All around the timer top
The cat doth chase the gray mouse.
A cook will find this really cute.
Ding! through the house. ♪

A treat for cat lovers that bake treats, this 60-minute, loud buzzer will rile chefs from even the deepest of catnaps.

View Timer on Amazon  

 

Refrigerator Magnet Holders (Hindquarters that Won’t Leave a Smear)

I have had so many nightmares where I looked around and suddenly didn’t have any refrigerator magnet holders. The thought is- beyond terrifying, anyone’s worst fear. Can’t you just imagine them being advertised Kellogg’s-corn-pops style?

“I’m sorry, Jenny. I don’t see the refrigerator magnet holders anywhere.”

“What? How is this possible!? My day is ruined! That’s okay, dad. I’ll put my keys somewhere else.”

“How about the table?”

“The table? Are you mad? It’s harder to pick them up off a flat surface and could scratch the wood. Oh, my six refrigerator magnet holders varying in size and color, conveniently storing my daily stuff for easy finding and grabbing- someone is hiss-tory if I don’t get them back NOW!”

“Oh, here they are. Your mom must have taken them off and put them in a drawer when she cleaned the frig.”

“Huisi’s set of six refrigerator magnet holders shaped like cat butts are part of a well-organized household.”

“I gotta have my refrigerator magnet holders.”

View Refrigerator Magnet Holders on Amazon  

 

Door Hook (Introducing Roadkill the Butler Cat)

While not quite as epic as Captain Hook, the wonderful door hook has its place in life too. Adding space into your house by letting any door become an extra storage area, this is especially useful to cluttered domiciles. It’s a metal pair with two usable paws each making for a total of four aerial holders. And hey, even if you have nothing to put on these, they make for great décor for demented people, as, when in place, they kinda look like cats with their abdomens completely crushed. How un-fur-tunate for everyone else.

View Door Hook on Amazon  

 

Shelf Hook (A Cat’s Balance at Play to Work)

There is a HUGE difference between door hooks and shelf hooks. I have a bachelor’s degree, so I already know it. No need for the uneducated to worry, though. I shall share my knowledge to any and all who seek it: One type is used on doors, and the other is meant for shelves. No thanks needed; I’m just happy to be of service. And speaking shelf hangers, I’ve got one here to share. Looking like a black cat, this hanger can hold things from coats to flower pots, and it requires no installation. Using gravity, it stays in place thanks to the weight of whatever you put on it. Now ain’t that the cat’s pajamas?

View Shelf Hook on Amazon  

 

Tea Infuser (A Feline that Doesn’t Hate Water)

I just love that word, ya know? Infuser. Sounds so epic and science fiction-y. “Increase force fields to maximum capacity! He’s going to initiate the sequence to resonate with the thermal core of the infuser!” Though admittedly, adding the word “tea” does take a little bit of the dramatic edge off. At least this one looks like a sweet little kitty rearing up on the edge of your glass. And you can help the environment by forgoing tea bags which subsequently means less clean up after your drink is ready. Just pop some loose leaves in, rinse afterwards, and you have yourself a mighty fine evening with mew-nimum effort.

View Tea Infuser on Amazon  

 

Rug (A Fuzzy Place to Stretch Your Paws)

Huh. For some reason, the designer thought that an image of a cat missing its eyes was the way to go. Oh well. Maybe someone out there has a soft spot for blind felines or maybe even knew or owned one. Either way, this rug is far from a catastrophe with these awesome features:

1. Designed to not skid, so you can jump onto it and not have to worry about slidding into next week.
2. Is washer safe, so you can toss the thing into the machine and say good-bye to any buildup of dirt.
3. Made of a material that is extra absorbent, so wet feet and paws will have an easier time transitioning to dryness on this baby.

If you’re looking for a new mat, this one might be right up your back alley.

View Rug on Amazon  

 

Cookie Cutters (An Uneven Game of Cat and Mouse)

“Cookie sheet.”

“Cookie sheet.”

“Cookie dough.”

“Cookie dough.”

“Cookie cutters.”

“Cookie cutters.”

“I’m beginning the surgery now. Just about. Almost done. And- perfect. Six bits of dough each shaped like a different cat.”

“Actually, doctor, one is shaped like a mouse.”

“Ah, thank you, nurse. That aside, these cookie cutters did an amazing job. Please hand wash and dry them.”

“Right away. I know not to put these in a dishwasher. And might I say what a great price these tin beauties were with a sharp edge for easy cutting.”

“No kitten!”

View Cookie Cutters on Amazon  

 

Ice Tray (Boring Ice Cubes are Just Clawful)

Awww! With ice in this tray, it looks like 10 kittens are nursing. You could even add food coloring to the water so that the ice cubes match the color of any cat(s) the recipient might have.  Plus, it can be used for other things like a chocolate or soap mold. Your mailbox won’t be sore after giving birth to this fancy litter of cuteness.

View Ice Tray on Amazon  

 

Tongs (An Excellent Cat Name for One that’s Differently-Colored on Two Paws)

Think of tongs as an extension of your hand because- that’s exactly what they are. Facing the dangers of hot foods and icky fluids to protect your sensitive arm attachments, tongs truly deserve our admiration and respect. That’s exactly why someone made them look like pink kitty paws! They serve as soldiers to protect your flesh, and they look mighty darn dignified in the process. At 9.5 inches long and dishwasher safe, this are a fantastic set of paws that doesn’t need a scratching post.

View Tongs on Amazon  

 

Soap Dispenser (Sanitizer Instead of Hairballs from Your Cat’s Head)

One has to wonder why soap dispensers are called soap dispensers. I mean, they can dispense pretty much any liquid. You can put hot sauce in them, and they’d still perform beautifully. You might as well advertise flour as “fish coating material.” Be dat as it may, as spelling “that” in such a way is how the cool cat’s play, this kitty-shaped dispenser will brighten any bathroom any day.

View Soap Dispenser on Amazon  

 

Whether you’re a cat owner, furry, lover of feline-themed products, or sentient litter box that poops sodium bentonite, hopefully there was something in these last two lists that would make you purr. If that was something humans did anyway. Too bad people have yet to make an LED collar that spells threatening remarks when it detects cats’ fur standing up. Welp, I’d like to stick around and say a bit more, but- a cat got my tongue.

For Amazon Associates, I may get some dough.
I get a small commission if you click a link below.
When people make a purchase if they like something they see,
They won’t lose another cent, but there’ll be a prize for me.
I had to let you know ‘cause a disclaimer is required,
And following the rules to stay is kinda, ya know, desired.

 

Today we’re gonna talk about a meowtain of cat-themed products. If your kitchen was a member of the Felidae family, this stuff is basically catnip. Don’t worry, though. These won’t make your house roll around like it’s on something and bite and thrash what’s between its paws. They’re just a real treat that look fab and make life easier in some way. Folks might already have some of the tools on this list, but- DO THEY LOOK LIKE CATS!? HM!? Welp, these little beauties are sure to change any cooking station in a way that’s 100% paw-sitive.

 

Drink Coasters (Liquid Table Ring Purr-tection)

Whether you want to avoid moisture rings on a surface or just have something that rhymes with toasters, you can’t go wrong with coasters. And while you’re at it, why not check out this wooden set of four, cutesy, cat-face ones? Each sip of your drink is like playing peekaboo, and that alone is worth the cost. Uh- right? Either way, these will protect your countertops fur-real.

View Link Coasters on Amazon

 

Cutting Board (A Paw-some Place to Mince)

Don’t worry! It’s okay! This isn’t a board that cuts things. It’s a board that you can cut things on. Quite the relief, right? Plus, it’s shaped like a paw print with little grooves around the pads that can keep little bits from rolling off. For someone that does a lot of kitchen work, this slice and dice pad is the cat’s meow.

View Cutting Board on Amazon

 

Cheese Board (A Curdled Milk Holder with Purr-sonality)

If you can’t decide between a surf board and a cheese board, I recommend the latter. I’d much rather be serving hardened dairy products than trying to learn 90’s surfer lingo. “Time to shred these gnarly waves, my dudes!” The cheese option is shaped like a cat, made of bamboo, and even comes with a spreader shaped like a mouse. At about nine inches tall and five and a half inches wide, it’ll hold plenty of little snacks for you and your company. Any soldier pirate guests are nearly sure to behold this set and exclaim, “Shiver me whiskers! This spread is the whole kitten caboodle!”

View Cheese Board on Amazon

 

Stirring Spoons (Shiny Beauties That Won’t Be Met with Catcalls)

If you don’t know what stirring spoons are for, don’t worry; you’re not alone, friend. Their purpose is- stirring things. And when you gotta stir stuff, these sleek, metal, kitty paw spoons are quite mew-nique. Some are holey, and some- get this- aren’t! I guess Robin from Batman will only comment on half of them. Regardless, these are a great way to mix things up with your kitchenware today.

View Stirring Spoons on Amazon

 

Measuring Spoons (Happy and Catty Increments)

I know measuring spoons are used for something, but I can’t remember what right off. Probably replacing lightbulbs. In any event, these ones are adorable! Plastic, painted, and cat shaped (including ears), they have ¼, ½, and 1 teaspoon and 1 tablespoon all held together by a little bow. With these little tools at your side, all other ones will suddenly seem in-fur-ior.

View Measuring Spoons on Amazon

 

Measuring Cups (A Cute Way to Handle Cooking Cat-alysts)

If you’re like more than 99% of all households, you own cups for measuring, so advertising more of them makes total sense. After all, this exchange surely takes place in all families:

“Everyone, we do not stop cooking till nightfall.”

“What about measuring cups?”

“You already have some.”

“We have one set, yes. But what about a second set?”

With all the basic cup increments- ¼, 1/3, ½, and 1- on painted ceramics while being good for both dry and wet ingredients, this set is great for preparing elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, supper, and everything else. And they’re mighty purr-ty, too.

View Measuring Cups on Amazon

 

Coffee Mug (For Adorable Meowthfuls of Caffeine)

Like I never say, “A morning without coffee makes you act like a cat.” Well, a mean one anyway. However, just having coffee is not enough. Nope. You also need something to put the coffee in. A container meant to both hold it and allow the content’s consumption. Thankfully, due to modern technology, there is an answer: a coffee mug. And if you always wanted to hold a cat by its tail without actually hurting one, this product has you covered with its unique handle. The face even looks toward it as if to say, “Why you touchin’ my tail, foo’?” This is one coffee-lovers gift that you don’t even need to paw-nder over.

View Coffee Mug on Amazon

 

Coffee Mug Couple’s Set (The Cattiest Pair of Cups)

A coffee mug is to a person as a pair of coffee mugs is to a romantic couple. Genius analogy, huh? If you know a lovey-dovey pairing or are even a part of one, this is one purchase great enough that gifters wouldn’t even give paws. They’re microwave and dishwasher safe, and the cats on the outside even come together to nuzzle. Just cross your fingers in hopes they don’t cough up hairballs, too.

View Coffee Mug Couple’s Set on Amazon

 

Bag Clips (A Handy Paw-ssession to Help Foods Last)

Chip bags need to look more emo. Can I get an amen up in here? And for the countless people that echo that opening statement daily, there are bags clips. Not just any old ones, though. These ones look like smiling cats. Actually, extract those claws and scratch that. They look like cheeky cats. Like, they just used something other than the litter box and ain’t sorry at all. And again, they cover all of your food bag, emo-look needs by clipping onto the lip. Oh, and like, they keep the food inside fresh longer and stuff, but meh, who actually cares about that part. Psh.

View Bag Clips on Amazon

 

Smartphone Holder (Compact Prop for Your Device’s Tail End)

No matter how smart a phone may be, I’ve yet to see one with enough brains to stand on its own. There is hope, however! For that, there’s this cutesy, lil, black, polyresin, cat smartphone holder. This is one way to keep your cell erect for recording, video chats, and more that won’t be bringing you bad luck.

View Smartphone Holder on Amazon

 

Wine Holder (Get Compliments at Adult Paw-ties)

Never trust a cat with a bottle of wine. Otherwise, expect to hear the sound of broken glass. On the other hand, this metal wine holder shaped like a cat will never let you down- or your booze. It even has a look on its face that just says, “I drank some of this stuff. And now I regret it.” Sturdy, reliable, and an eye catcher for those that drink from the grapevine and like felines, how can you not see this and say, “Me-hic-ow.”

View Wine Holder on Amazon

 

Wine Stopper (One Fur-midable Bottle Cap)

Wine doesn’t drive, so stop signs are out of the questions. Instead, if you want it to stay in place, wine stoppers are the go-to option. Now, these ones are advertised as being “cat butt” themed with their little tushes up in the air and all, but “cat suffocation” is what I would have thought. Does anyone else think they look like cats with their heads stuck and unable to breathe? Well, whether you prefer to look at them in a cutesy or absolutely horrifying manner, they serve their purpose purr-fectly.

View Wine Stopper on Amazon

 

Well, that’s a dozen cat products to sink your fangs into so far, and I have another 12 to show too! Let’s continue, shall- we… Oh crud. I just remembered that I put my cat’s scratching post away last night, but I left my electric guitar out. Gotta go, so we’ll just have to resume this next time. Have a pleasant d- Hey, get your paws off the neck!

For Amazon Associates, I may get some dough.
I get a small commission if you click a link below.
When people make a purchase if they like something they see,
They won’t lose another cent, but there’ll be a prize for me.
I had to let you know ‘cause a disclaimer is required,
And following the rules to stay is kinda, ya know, desired.

 

Bang. Whoosh. Kerplunk. (That last one was a slingshot firing a stone into a pond. Get that toilet imagery out of your head.) The Disney franchise is just loaded with awesome weapons, amiright!? Clayton’s shotgun. King Triton’s trident. Jafar’s snake staff. Arthur’s sword in the stone. There needs to be a pen and paper RPG of the Disney universe up in the house pronto, yo. Still, if you wanna decorate your house, start a collection, or gift your relatives with some of the weaponry wielded by iconic Disney characters, you’re in luck! Just don’t break the beast’s magic mirror and get subjected to seven years of enchanted bad luck. You’d probably get transformed into his toothbrush. Blegh.

 

Princess Elena of Avalor: Scepter of Light (Deals 3 bludgeoning damage and grants OP light spells.)

Ah, the scepter of light, opposition to the scepter of night. Sure, it would make more sense for the former to be “day” or the latter to be “darkness,” but everyone just loves those counterpart weapons that rhyme while still sorta being opposites. The SoL has some pretty cool powers from rapid plant growth to seeing people across any distance, so who needs farming books and Skype if you plan on picking up this little beauty. The only real downside is that, the more the scepter is used, the more drained the user gets. But hey, if you’ve survived using the internet for years on end, I think you’ll be just fine.

View Scepter of Light on Amazon

 

Demigod Maui: Fish Hook (Deals 5 bludgeoning damage and self-casts polymorph. Prone to function as twin spell if confidence is depleted.)

Good old Maui. The guy whose name sounds like what comes out of a kid’s mouth if he or she see a fresh batch of cookies on the stove but doesn’t realize the pan is still hot before reaching for one. “Mm. Owie!” But onto his weapon: Who needs Ditto from Pokémon or Mystique from X-Men or Chrysalis from My Little Pony when you can get yourself a magical fish hook from the gods that lets you transform into practically anything? Someone could start an animal poop removal service and then just keep transforming into a dog. Now that’s a lucrative supply and demand scheme! What can I say except, “You’re welcome”?

View Fish Hook on Amazon

 

Moana of Motunui: Oar (Deals 2 bludgeoning damage and always inflicts critical hits against oceans.)

It’s kind of ironic, really. Moana is friends with the ocean but wields an oar. Ya know, the wooden apparatus that’s specifically designed to repeatedly slap the water around you? But hey, if the ocean is into that kind of thing, who I am to judge. Now, you might be wondering what makes this oar unique, what makes it stand out from all the other oars out there. Well, I’ll tell you: This oar is wielded by Moana, the woman who orders a guy to board her boat, sail across the ocean, and deliver someone’s heart. Uh, gross. In all fairness, though, if my heart ended up missing one day, I’d kinda want it back too. But yeah, all that makes this special is the one who wielded it, and be glad she isn’t here right now. If she was, she’d probably say, “You will board Amazon, sail across the listings, and restore the oar of Moana to its proper place- your shopping cart.” Kids these days. No respect.

View Oar on Amazon

 

Mulan/Ping: Sword (Deals 5 slashing damage and increases female identity stealth by 50%.)

♪ Let’s get down to business: Got a sword to show.
Might there be some takers for a price so low?
It’s official and has motion sounds.
And on these grounds, it’s pretty cool.
Reader, just don’t bring it into school! ♪

View Sword on Amazon

 

Princess Merida of DunBroch: Bow and Arrows (Deals 2 piercing damage and taunts all nearby male targets.)

I got ta thinkin’, tha’ I did, to beh makin’ this paragroph’s entoire gimmick jussa sorry e’scuse fer a Sco’ish accent, but- NAAAAAAAH! Would just be unprofessional, inaccurate, annoying, and possibly even offensive. I probably even combined multiple accents there, too. And no, I’m not stalling for space because there’s not much to say about a kid’s archery set of a bow and two arrows! Rude. Good news for parents by the way: This bow isn’t designed to really fire the arrows, arrows that aren’t sharp to boot, so it’s a pretty safe alternative for those wee young’uns a yers. I mean- your children. If you have a Merida from Brave fan in the house, this product will hit the bullseye.

View Bow and Arrows on Amazon

 

Queen Elsa of Arendelle: Ice Scepter (Deals 3 cold damage and has to be summoned from the Plane of Nonexistence.)

Time to take a look at Queen Elsa’s iconic ice scepter from- Wait. What ice scepter? I don’t remember Elsa having an ice scepter in Frozen. She was handed a regular royal scepter at her coronation, and it did start to freeze over a little when she touched it, but there was never any full-on scepter of ice in that movie. /Gasp I think somebody made this product up just to make a profit! The fiend! Who in the world would be so evil as to try to profit from a replica of an item that doesn’t even exist?

View Ice Scepter on Amazon

 

Maleficent, Mistress of All Evil: Staff (Deals 4 bludgeoning damage and emits an Anti-Scarecrow Aura.)

I wonder if Maleficent ever holds a staff meeting with Jafar. Either way, her staff has a pretty spot-on replica for sale, having vines and a colorful orb. Now all you need is a pet crow to nest on it, and your cosplay is complete. Measuring 56 inches, it’s taller than a lot of kids even. Thankfully, it can be broken down into two pieces to more easily store away. Magnificent, Maleficent.

View Staff on Amazon

 

Princess Sofia the First: Amulet of Avalor (Cursed item: Augments biological lifeforms but may ribbit I mean self-inflict random debuffs.)

This powerful Disney item capable of being used as a weapon may be a necklace, but it’s also a double-edged sword. Like an accessory in an RPG, the amulet grants powers to the wielder such as buffing strength or providing an active ability such as firing icy blasts. Unfortunately, if the bearer is bratty, he or she not only ends up on Santa’s naughty list but is also cursed. So yeeeeeah. If you still want presents at Christmas and wish to avoid inconveniences such as having a bird beak, becoming tiny, or croaking like a frog, you better be all nice and stuff while wielding this. But hey, even if you do mess up, at least it’ll always be a fabulous way to accessorize with a ballroom gown.

View Amulet of Avalor on Amazon

 

Captain Hook: Hook Hand (Deals 2 piercing damage. Prerequisite to equip: Must let small, flying boy in green tights cut off your hand and feed it to a crocodile.)

If someone asks you to give them a hand, you can now oblige more easily. A replica of Captain Hook’s hook is up for grabs here, and the best part of all is that you don’t even need to be missing your hand to use it. How handy! You could even dual wield these beauties and become Captain Hooks. There would be an extra s in your title because the whole hook thing would be all plural and stuff. And just think of all the things you could do with hook hands! You could go fishing without a pole, become a meat and coat hanger, and- um- like, so many other things that I can’t even begin to list them here. You certainly know how to accessorize, Hooky. Gotta hand it to you for that.

View Hook Hand on Amazon

 

Princess Star Butterfly: Royal Magic Wand (Deals 1 bludgeoning damage and bestows the god-level power of creation. Resting on the seventh day is not required.)

If you’ve ever sought the power to conjure anything whether it be slightly-burnt toast with reduced-fat butter or a unicorn that’s kinda decent at Fortnite, look no further. This wand may have worse battery life than my cellphone, but it at least allows the user to create objects and alter reality at will. Huh. Neat. And I mean, come on, a purple wand with a star, wings, and butterfly on it are sure to strike fear into the hearts of your enemies. Even more so when they learn it was wielded by an individual named Star Butterfly. Terrifying. Unfortunately, if you’re experiencing negative emotions, the wand’s spells won’t function correctly. This makes it unusable to nearly every human being on the planet at almost every passing moment. Good luck!

View Royal Magic Wand on Amazon

 

There you have it. A dozen minus two of the many weapons you can find throughout the enchanted world of Walt Disney. Melee and ranged, magic and metal, hooks and dinnerware- there was some mighty fine creativity at work to bring so many beloved stories to epic life. And I’m just so glad that the products from these tales don’t do anything like, I dunno, promote violence to kids or anything. I can’t even walk down the street without seeing children using their toy swords to advocate for pacifism and intermediary diplomacy. Not me though! I have the initiative. I pull out my Darkwing Duck gas gun and aim at Cruella Deville to put her to sleep. Rolling the dice aaaaand- it’s a one. Great, so now what’s gonna hap- Zzzzz…

For Amazon Associates, I may get some dough.
I get a small commission if you click a link below.
When people make a purchase if they like something they see,
They won’t lose another cent, but there’ll be a prize for me.
I had to let you know ‘cause a disclaimer is required,
And following the rules to stay is kinda, ya know, desired.

 

Ya know, living is good. Living is very good. In fact, I like being alive so much that I try whatever I can to keep me that way. Sure, there’s looking both ways before crossing the street and not eating too many donut hamburgers wrapped in bacon filled with microwave popcorn drenched in maple syrup, but there are a few desirables on the market that can make a long life easier to achieve. Some people may find little to no use in some of these depending on their circumstances hence the “almost everybody” in the title. In any event, it certainly won’t kill ya to take a peek at a few things that are designed to do- well- the exact opposite. Three cheers for the continuation of biological functions!

 

Emergency Car Tool (Can Get Very Cranky)

Have you ever been trapped in a car? It’s sort of like being trapped in a house except- you’re in a car. Motor vehicles can supply multiple methods of undesirable restraint in an accident from the windows to the seatbelt, but there’s a tool that allows you to easily combat them and do much more. Introducing the Luxon emergency tool. Say “Hi,” Luxon emergency tool. Um… Okay, it’s kinda shy, but there’s a lot it can do for you: It easily cuts through seatbelts. The hammer component shatters car windows with relative ease. It has a red, glaring light to signal for help. There’s a nice flashlight built in so you can use your phone for something else at the same time. A USB charger is prominent on the side, and it gets powered mechanically through a crank, meaning you can fill its energy anytime, anywhere. (Just use your mouth if you don’t have hands.) Seventhly, it has a magnet because- I dunno- you might drop a paperclip between the seats or something. Hey, it can happen!

View Emergency Car Tool on Amazon

 

Bite and Scratch Gloves (Does Not Work Against Pokemon Moves)

Okay, just gonna say this now: It is best to avoid handling wild animals at all costs. Please call your local animal control center if a creature needs to be dealt with. However, if contact is unavoidable due to some emergency, such as a creature posing immediate harm to someone, it’s best you have at least some protection in the form of bite and scratch gloves; things like rabies are not preferable to contract. They won’t make you completely immune to animal injury, but they’ll at least provide some much-needed resistance. Plus, this could even make a nice gift for friends that bite their nails. I doubt they’ll be able to do much with these babies on!

View Bite and Scratch Gloves on Amazon

 

Water Purifying Tablets (Now Even People Can Safely Drink from the Toilet! (I Don’t Recommend It Though. :P))

Is it just me, or does giardia sound like a kingdom in a medieval fantasy RPG? “Brave adventurers, welcome to the Kingdom of Giardia. My third cousin twice removed was kidnapped by the morally-ambiguous duchess of the northwestern Shlomp Swamp in the Pooka-Barooka Desert surrounded by the Polar Ice Caps of Minty Freshness with a Hint of Cinnamon. Please rescue him at once, for he alone knows how to make my favorite jelly, and I can’t perform my royal duties until I’ve had my toast.” Anyway, giardia’s that thing you get when you drink bad water and get major diarrhea. Swallowing untreated liquids can even be fatal; like, your HP goes all the way down to zero. However, if you need to hydrate yourself and have no fresh source available or a means to boil anything, just plop one of these tablets into your bottle, wait four hours, shake it up a little, and you should be spared the squirts amongst other things. Unless you had too many burritos. Good luck with that.

View Water Purifying Tablets on Amazon

 

Fire Extinguisher (Can’t Help with Getting Fired from Work)

Alright, class, let’s review the alphabet’s short sounds. A makes the short “ah” sound as in wood, paper, and plastics. B sounds like “buh” as in liquids and gases. C goes like “cuh” as in electrical. D says “duh” as in metals. We are dealing with fire extinguishers after all. Just like English teachers taught us in elementary school, “When two fires go walking, the extinguisher does the talking.” In any event, if you’re not a big fan of your house burning down, you really ought to consider being prepared. It’s unlikely that an everyday house will need a type D extinguisher or the even more obscure type K (which is like B except on a grander scale such as a restaurant). If you do get one though, it’s best that it deals with A, B, and C fires in one container. With one of those nestled in a convenient location in your home, the level of safety is on fire!

View Fire Extinguisher on Amazon

 

Dog Repellent (Dog Not Included)

Being mauled by a dog is a total bummer. I’ve never been, but I just have this inkling feeling that it’s most unpleasant. If the assailant is vicious enough, they can even bite and claw the very life right outta ya. But you’re in luck! Just like with mosquitoes, various repellents are at your disposal. Rather than a few sprays on your neck and arms though, this requires a more active approach. Just push the button on the remote, and a hostile canine should revert to a more docile demeanor. Even has a built-in flashlight to get a better look at any potential pursuers. Great for postmen/women, joggers, homo sapiens that still draw breath, etcetera. A lifesaving precaution to sink your teeth into if you don’t like dogs doing so to you.

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Emergency Alarm Keychain (Advertised as Being for Women, Kids, and Elders, so I Guess Young Men Will Just Have to Fend for Themselves)

Shouting for help doesn’t always work out. The shock of a sudden emergency could stifle your voice, you might not yell loudly enough for potential aid to hear you, a kidnapper might block your oral pathway before you have a chance to scream, or you might be playing the quiet game with your siblings while possessing a competitive spirit that just won’t allow you to lose. But hey, who needs a mouth when calling for help when you have fingers? This emergency alarm keychain emits a high-pitched sound to alert those nearby that you could use a helping hand. Makes for a thoughtful gift for family members and fits nicely as a stocking stuffer. Gotta have your kids believing that Santa’s elves are hard at work crafting defense mechanisms against hostile assailants, right? “Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a constant reminder that someone could come after you at any time.”

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Escape Ring (Probably Houdini’s Favorite Jewelry)

Handcuffs and zip ties and ropes, oh my! Heaven forbid this ever happen to you, but sometimes, but people are held against their will by a malicious host. In such an event, you’ll likely be searched for things like a phone, pocket knife, and so forth and then promptly relieved of said items. However, such a villain is unlikely to bother with a plain-looking ring on your finger, provided he or she even notices it at all. But I’m not talking about just any ring. Nah, brah, I’m talking about this sweet escape ring with a concealed saw and shim pick to help break free from numerous forms of bonds. Plus, even if you never need it to escape a life-threatening situation, having a little saw on your person for cutting through this and that is pretty cool too. Just don’t try to use this as an engagement ring. Your name will probably appear in the dictionary under the word cheap.

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Pepper Spray (Mm, Spicy)

No, it’s not a liquid version of those black specks you use to spice up your food. This here’s for eyes, not tongues. Have you ever played a video game where you can inflict the blind debuff? Your foe goes up to attack, but it’s often a swing and a miss. Well, now you can live out your gameplay experiences in real life. Is a mean old crazy guy coming after you? With this, he’ll transform into a mean old crazy guy that’s temporarily blind. Bet he didn’t see that coming! This is a fantastic example of non-lethal self-defense, my favorite type, mind you, and it can help ensure you escape with your wallet, jewelry, life, and even your lipstick. Can’t have somebody making off with your lipstick.

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First Aid Kit (Better Hope You Apply Aid First or This’ll Be Misused)

I wonder: Do they make second aid kits? If someone already got medical attention for a wound, wouldn’t it be wrong to pull out a first aid kit to administer additional assistance? If not, it totally should be. And why stop there? Ah, I can see it now: “Alright, let’s have a look. Your bandage was applied yesterday and then reapplied once, so I need to use a third aid kit this time. One sec. I think I put it under all the 2^nd honeymoon brochures.” This particular kit is loaded, too. It contains medicine, tools, antiseptic, tons of bandages, and so much more. Has just about anything you could need for first aid, and it’ll last you a looooong time. In case of a serious accident, this could make all the difference. It can even be mounted on your wall to finally give you an excuse to take down that family picture you never liked. Whether first aid or seventeenth, this is one product that’ll be there to help save the day during those rare instances you can actually remember where you left it.

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House Alarm (I Guess People Will Just Have to Start Sleeping with Their Hearing Aids Turned on)

Some folks have no respect for private property. They’ll see someone’s house and be all like, “My mind may be all whack, but I’m breaking into that shack!” Well, if folks are gonna come bustin’ in, it’s at least better to know about it than not. For that, there’s a pretty cheap but quite effective means of transferring the knowledge of uninvited guests into your brain: a wireless, easy-to-install alarm. It’s activated by motion, so you just put it on a door or window and turn it on for the night. If someone comes a callin’ that ain’t on the list, an unpleasant noise will fill the air that will make the party crasher feel so unwelcome that he or she is likely to turn tail and run on the spot. If you always offer tea or coffee to visitors, I’m afraid that this device is likely to cause some missed opportunities.

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So yeah, these are a few thingies that’ll make your continued existence a bit more likely. Sure, the house alarm won’t do much good if you don’t have a home, and water purifying pills won’t exactly be necessary if you never explore the great outdoors for lengthy periods (video games don’t count). Each of these items has a time and place though that can get you out of a real jam, even if it’s blackberry; get some toasted, homemade white bread and butter with it, and it’s just- MM! Well, as the Vulcans say, “Live long and prosper, even if it means doing some extra shopping.” Or something like that.

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On a scale of 1-10, how much do you like dragons? Ha ha! You know, ‘cause dragons have scales all over and stuff? Ah, that was terrible. But you wanna know what isn’t terrible? Dragon household appliances and tools sold by Amazon.com! Just make sure your dragon gets all the necessary shots and the correct diet of 100 sheep a day, especially if it’s purple. Now then, let’s have a look-see as to what this digital hoard has to offer, shall we?

 

Pens That Are Gray

 

If you write with a quill and inkwell, you’re- actually pretty cool now that I think about it… But hey, these dragon-y pens are pretty cool too! There are even a few gargoyles thrown into the mix. The one on the right looks like he could use a good laxative though. With a nice weight to them and smooth writing, these pens were bred in captivity to delight. There is a downside, however, as they don’t have caps. But hey, despite their fearsome appearances, they’re very unlikely to come stalking you in the night. I think.

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Clock That Is Also Gray

What has seven hands, four feet, two tails, doesn’t move, and tells time? If you said a double dragon clock- you obviously cheated by looking at the above picture, so your answer doesn’t count. But this decoration does count, tracking the seconds, minutes, and hours with precision and grace. It doesn’t have an alarm, but it ticks pretty loudly, so it’ll add some decent ambience to a room. If you want a new clock to liven up your living space and turn a few heads, it might just be time to check this one out.

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Pocket Knife That Is Gr- Wait, It’s NOT Gray!?

Do you need a new pocket knife right now? Mm, probably not. But just- just look at that dragonish beauty! It’s all colorful and awesome and sharp and awesome and compact and awesome. And awesome. The blade locks securely into place, and it fits nicely in the palm of your hand even if you live in a state where palms don’t grow. Plus, this lil dragon’s looking kinda blue right now, and I’m sure some company would cheer it right up. So even though you may not need a pocket knife right now, even though it’ll probably spend a chunk of its lifetime sitting in a kitchen drawer next to paperclips, dried pens, rubber bands, old letters, mouse dropping, a couple of pennies, and a dime so discolored you think it’s a penny, come on now, it’s still pretty appealing anyway, ain’t it?

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Storage Compartment That Is Back to Gray

I like privacy sometimes. It’s so- private. Sometimes, I just don’t want people finding my stashes of 100% appropriate things. And for that, I turn to this hidden, dragon-y, book-y, compartment thingie. It may look like a mere decoration, but it’s not! On the inside, it contains- get ready for this- nothing! Isn’t that just wonderful? In the center of this handy item is pure space that you can use to conceal anything in plain sight. If you want a void of emptiness encased in a shell of style, you might want to look no farther than this.

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Lamp That Is- Have We Really not Had Enough Gray yet?

You like light? Well, here’s a bright idea for ya: a dragon lamp. It’s like a regular lamp except the whole, you know, dragon thing. It’s beautifully detailed and includes the bulb. Delightful. Grab a shield, and be on your guard, though! An item like this sometimes arrives with a piece broken off, so if it’s a gift for a special occasion, it’s advised to buy it early so it can be exchanged in time if need be. Plus, it doesn’t come with a bulb, so you’d have to snag one of those for this. Just wanted you to have an illuminated experience.

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Pen Holder That Is- Why Even Bother Now

There’s an awesome way to hold your pens: getting a pen holder! And if you’re gonna get one, why not have it look like a dragon? I mean, just look at that carving quality. It’s like the little guy is diligently guarding your writing utensils. He’s all like, “Yeah, some adventurers stole all the gold in the hoard, so now I’ve been demoted to guarding ink containers. I don’t even have dental insurance anymore.” And as earthshattering as this may seem, believe it or not, cross my heart, this could even be used- as a paperweight. WOW!

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Bookmark That Has Something Other Than Gray! Hooray!

Closing a partially-read book + not damaging pages = good. Keeping your place + bending the corner of a page = bad. And I checked my math on a scientific calculator, so those are definitely correct. There is hope to avoid the latter, though: Buy this epic, metal, dragon bookmark to keep your place in grand adventures. Then you could finally wave good-bye to your paper-creasing days. Or just text a waving emoji if you’re one of those people. Either way, if you’re an avid reader, this here’s a great way to quickly find where you left off and keep your books’ hit points maxed out in the process.

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Bookends with Another Color Too! Woohoo!

Gravity kinda sucks sometimes. It’s all like, “Oh, you want that book to stand upright? Well how ‘bout no!” Well, there’s a secret, super-powerful weapon that can defeat gravity without breaking a sweat. It looks at gravity and says, “I may need my cigarette lit, but you are no match for me!” That’s right. I am talking about none other than- bookends! Glorious, beautiful, affordable, draconic bookends! The craftsmanship of this item pair that keeps a row of books up is muwa! (You know, that sound you make when you press your fingers on your lips in a clump, quickly spread them apart while moving your hand away, and kissing the air.) Buy this bane of gravity designed to look like tough-as-nails dragons, and your books are sure to rise to the occasion. (Or stay risen at least.)

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Mug That Has Lots of not Gray- Safe at Last

The verb “mug” does not instill pleasant imagery. The noun form, however, can be pretty freaking sweet with the right design. Case in point, this gorgeous mug with the look of, you guessed it, a dragon. But not just any dragon. Nah, this sucka’s all steampunk, yo. Yeaaaaah. Made of copper and able to hold 13 ounces of liquid, it’s a beaut that even functions as a great decoration when not in use. You could even use it as a pot for steampunk flowers! Or regular flowers even! It contains metal, though, so be sure to avoid microwaves with it. The end result of that would be the opposite of fortunate; it would be unfortunate. Not to worry, though. If you plan to use this for coffee, just get yourself a drink heating pad and you’re good to go! That is, if you cough buy the cough mug.

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Coasters That Mean I Spoke Too Soon

If your drinking habits have been coasting along without these, then- you’ve probably gotten along just fine. But hey, these coasters not only do regular coaster-y stuff like keeping liquid off your furniture and- whatever the heck else coasters do- but they also perform their duties with that sweet look of the king of lizards, the mighty freakin’ dragon. It even has a dragon coaster holder which, in case you were not aware, not only holds dragon coasters but also regular coasters to boot. Crazy, huh? Even just sitting on a shelf, this setup is enough to make any room at least 20% cooler.

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Salt and Pepper Holder That Is- Yeah

You enjoy holdin’ yourself some salt and pepper shakers? Mm-hm. Didn’t think so. That’s why we have stands to do the work for us. There might be a salt and pepper holder uprising one day, but in the meantime, why not spruce up your kitchen with that special look that only dragons provide? It even comes with shakers that fit perfectly. But yikes, I mean, just look at his face! He does not look happy to be standing around all day holding up your shakers. Still, you’d be giving him a nice home, so it’s the least he can do.

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Toilet Paper Holder That at Least Has Red Eyes

You know what’s like, almost always incredibly boring? Toilet paper holders. The fine art of removing toilet paper to cleanse one’s lower cheeks is rather dull, and that’s a crime against sewage. But what if I told you that you could wipe yourself with the aid of- a dragon! Are you squeeing hardcore yet? I know I did! Only thing is the installation; it’s- not the most fun thing in the world. Still, picking up one of these laboring beauties means wiping that buttocks in style! Who doesn’t want that?

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Wine Holder That Is, of Course, Without a Doubt, as to Be Expected, Indubitably Gray

Does life frequently make you whine? Is something ailing you? Are you in poor spirits? Does it seem like someone is always fermenting a load trouble? When you try to make strides during bad times, does it seem you only make tiny hops? Do- Okay, okay, I’ll stop. But uh- dragon wine holder, everybody! Ain’t she just lovely? Doncha just love the pose that makes her look like she’s guzzling your precious booze away? She’ll hold your various alcohol bottles and look adorable in the process. Just be sure to check her I.D. to confirm she’s the legal drinking age in your area.

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Ash Tray That- SERIOUSLY, WHAT’S WITH ALL THE GRAAAY!?

Speaking of cigarettes, dragons and smokers are kindred spirits; they both exhale fumes, and passersby tend to keep away from them. And what better way to symbolize the bond these two groups share than with an ashtray in the form of a majestic dragon? Your cigarettes’ charred remains will go from wasted trash clump to pile of bedding for this resting critter. Don’t scatter your ashes to the wind! Let them comfort a carnivorous monstrosity instead.

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Stapler That Caused My Color-Based Meltdown

You wanna know a great staple of desk appliances? A stapler! And when it comes to piercing the flattened remains of trees, try this one shaped like a dragon’s head. It makes you feel like you’re binding papers together with dragon teeth. It might not hold too many staples at once or say, “Nom nom nom,” when you push it down, but by golly, who doesn’t want to look like a dragon tamer when documents need to be bound? Just try not to drop it on your foot. For a brief moment at least, you wouldn’t even look like a sheep tamer.

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All I wanna see now is a dragon porta potty, and I’d pay top gold for one of those. It probably wouldn’t appreciate its meals all that much, though. Welp, I hope this list had something you could sink your teeth into, and that’s all for now. Wouldn’t want this article to start- dragon on.