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Ya know, living is good. Living is very good. In fact, I like being alive so much that I try whatever I can to keep me that way. Sure, there’s looking both ways before crossing the street and not eating too many donut hamburgers wrapped in bacon filled with microwave popcorn drenched in maple syrup, but there are a few desirables on the market that can make a long life easier to achieve. Some people may find little to no use in some of these depending on their circumstances hence the “almost everybody” in the title. In any event, it certainly won’t kill ya to take a peek at a few things that are designed to do- well- the exact opposite. Three cheers for the continuation of biological functions!
Emergency Car Tool (Can Get Very Cranky)
Have you ever been trapped in a car? It’s sort of like being trapped in a house except- you’re in a car. Motor vehicles can supply multiple methods of undesirable restraint in an accident from the windows to the seatbelt, but there’s a tool that allows you to easily combat them and do much more. Introducing the Luxon emergency tool. Say “Hi,” Luxon emergency tool. Um… Okay, it’s kinda shy, but there’s a lot it can do for you: It easily cuts through seatbelts. The hammer component shatters car windows with relative ease. It has a red, glaring light to signal for help. There’s a nice flashlight built in so you can use your phone for something else at the same time. A USB charger is prominent on the side, and it gets powered mechanically through a crank, meaning you can fill its energy anytime, anywhere. (Just use your mouth if you don’t have hands.) Seventhly, it has a magnet because- I dunno- you might drop a paperclip between the seats or something. Hey, it can happen!
Okay, just gonna say this now: It is best to avoid handling wild animals at all costs. Please call your local animal control center if a creature needs to be dealt with. However, if contact is unavoidable due to some emergency, such as a creature posing immediate harm to someone, it’s best you have at least some protection in the form of bite and scratch gloves; things like rabies are not preferable to contract. They won’t make you completely immune to animal injury, but they’ll at least provide some much-needed resistance. Plus, this could even make a nice gift for friends that bite their nails. I doubt they’ll be able to do much with these babies on!
Water Purifying Tablets (Now Even People Can Safely Drink from the Toilet! (I Don’t Recommend It Though. :P))
Is it just me, or does giardia sound like a kingdom in a medieval fantasy RPG? “Brave adventurers, welcome to the Kingdom of Giardia. My third cousin twice removed was kidnapped by the morally-ambiguous duchess of the northwestern Shlomp Swamp in the Pooka-Barooka Desert surrounded by the Polar Ice Caps of Minty Freshness with a Hint of Cinnamon. Please rescue him at once, for he alone knows how to make my favorite jelly, and I can’t perform my royal duties until I’ve had my toast.” Anyway, giardia’s that thing you get when you drink bad water and get major diarrhea. Swallowing untreated liquids can even be fatal; like, your HP goes all the way down to zero. However, if you need to hydrate yourself and have no fresh source available or a means to boil anything, just plop one of these tablets into your bottle, wait four hours, shake it up a little, and you should be spared the squirts amongst other things. Unless you had too many burritos. Good luck with that.
Fire Extinguisher (Can’t Help with Getting Fired from Work)
Alright, class, let’s review the alphabet’s short sounds. A makes the short “ah” sound as in wood, paper, and plastics. B sounds like “buh” as in liquids and gases. C goes like “cuh” as in electrical. D says “duh” as in metals. We are dealing with fire extinguishers after all. Just like English teachers taught us in elementary school, “When two fires go walking, the extinguisher does the talking.” In any event, if you’re not a big fan of your house burning down, you really ought to consider being prepared. It’s unlikely that an everyday house will need a type D extinguisher or the even more obscure type K (which is like B except on a grander scale such as a restaurant). If you do get one though, it’s best that it deals with A, B, and C fires in one container. With one of those nestled in a convenient location in your home, the level of safety is on fire!
Dog Repellent (Dog Not Included)
Being mauled by a dog is a total bummer. I’ve never been, but I just have this inkling feeling that it’s most unpleasant. If the assailant is vicious enough, they can even bite and claw the very life right outta ya. But you’re in luck! Just like with mosquitoes, various repellents are at your disposal. Rather than a few sprays on your neck and arms though, this requires a more active approach. Just push the button on the remote, and a hostile canine should revert to a more docile demeanor. Even has a built-in flashlight to get a better look at any potential pursuers. Great for postmen/women, joggers, homo sapiens that still draw breath, etcetera. A lifesaving precaution to sink your teeth into if you don’t like dogs doing so to you.
Emergency Alarm Keychain (Advertised as Being for Women, Kids, and Elders, so I Guess Young Men Will Just Have to Fend for Themselves)
Shouting for help doesn’t always work out. The shock of a sudden emergency could stifle your voice, you might not yell loudly enough for potential aid to hear you, a kidnapper might block your oral pathway before you have a chance to scream, or you might be playing the quiet game with your siblings while possessing a competitive spirit that just won’t allow you to lose. But hey, who needs a mouth when calling for help when you have fingers? This emergency alarm keychain emits a high-pitched sound to alert those nearby that you could use a helping hand. Makes for a thoughtful gift for family members and fits nicely as a stocking stuffer. Gotta have your kids believing that Santa’s elves are hard at work crafting defense mechanisms against hostile assailants, right? “Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a constant reminder that someone could come after you at any time.”
Escape Ring (Probably Houdini’s Favorite Jewelry)
Handcuffs and zip ties and ropes, oh my! Heaven forbid this ever happen to you, but sometimes, but people are held against their will by a malicious host. In such an event, you’ll likely be searched for things like a phone, pocket knife, and so forth and then promptly relieved of said items. However, such a villain is unlikely to bother with a plain-looking ring on your finger, provided he or she even notices it at all. But I’m not talking about just any ring. Nah, brah, I’m talking about this sweet escape ring with a concealed saw and shim pick to help break free from numerous forms of bonds. Plus, even if you never need it to escape a life-threatening situation, having a little saw on your person for cutting through this and that is pretty cool too. Just don’t try to use this as an engagement ring. Your name will probably appear in the dictionary under the word cheap.
Pepper Spray (Mm, Spicy)
No, it’s not a liquid version of those black specks you use to spice up your food. This here’s for eyes, not tongues. Have you ever played a video game where you can inflict the blind debuff? Your foe goes up to attack, but it’s often a swing and a miss. Well, now you can live out your gameplay experiences in real life. Is a mean old crazy guy coming after you? With this, he’ll transform into a mean old crazy guy that’s temporarily blind. Bet he didn’t see that coming! This is a fantastic example of non-lethal self-defense, my favorite type, mind you, and it can help ensure you escape with your wallet, jewelry, life, and even your lipstick. Can’t have somebody making off with your lipstick.
First Aid Kit (Better Hope You Apply Aid First or This’ll Be Misused)
I wonder: Do they make second aid kits? If someone already got medical attention for a wound, wouldn’t it be wrong to pull out a first aid kit to administer additional assistance? If not, it totally should be. And why stop there? Ah, I can see it now: “Alright, let’s have a look. Your bandage was applied yesterday and then reapplied once, so I need to use a third aid kit this time. One sec. I think I put it under all the 2nd honeymoon brochures.” This particular kit is loaded, too. It contains medicine, tools, antiseptic, tons of bandages, and so much more. Has just about anything you could need for first aid, and it’ll last you a looooong time. In case of a serious accident, this could make all the difference. It can even be mounted on your wall to finally give you an excuse to take down that family picture you never liked. Whether first aid or seventeenth, this is one product that’ll be there to help save the day during those rare instances you can actually remember where you left it.
House Alarm (I Guess People Will Just Have to Start Sleeping with Their Hearing Aids Turned on)
Some folks have no respect for private property. They’ll see someone’s house and be all like, “My mind may be all whack, but I’m breaking into that shack!” Well, if folks are gonna come bustin’ in, it’s at least better to know about it than not. For that, there’s a pretty cheap but quite effective means of transferring the knowledge of uninvited guests into your brain: a wireless, easy-to-install alarm. It’s activated by motion, so you just put it on a door or window and turn it on for the night. If someone comes a callin’ that ain’t on the list, an unpleasant noise will fill the air that will make the party crasher feel so unwelcome that he or she is likely to turn tail and run on the spot. If you always offer tea or coffee to visitors, I’m afraid that this device is likely to cause some missed opportunities.
So yeah, these are a few thingies that’ll make your continued existence a bit more likely. Sure, the house alarm won’t do much good if you don’t have a home, and water purifying pills won’t exactly be necessary if you never explore the great outdoors for lengthy periods (video games don’t count). Each of these items has a time and place though that can get you out of a real jam, even if it’s blackberry; get some toasted, homemade white bread and butter with it, and it’s just- MM! Well, as the Vulcans say, “Live long and prosper, even if it means doing some extra shopping.” Or something like that.